transitions

I have been on a project to consolidate my boxes that are still unpacked so that I can be more efficient in the space I'm using. This is causing me to find a lot of things I didn't realize I had and also to wonder where some things are that I thought I had brought with me in my hurried move out. Ahh, the memories that arise. So far in the last week its been hope, relief, depression, anger and anxiety as well as memories of the fear and near suicide attempts beginning around this time last year.

This has also brought with it a rash of dreaming of my ex, my ex-step-sons and their mother. I have dreamed of helplessness and despair, of fear and danger, I have dreamed of seeing them and being ok.

So much has changed since last year; first for the much, much worse and then for the better. I have become a new person twice since then. First I became a neurotic, paranoid, terrified shell living as a hermit to keep other people from seeing the shame of the person I was reduced to. Somehow I ended the year stronger, a bit more confident at times, a bit more vocal about my needs and slowly, very slowly re-learning who I am. As the season changes I feel as if I am changing with it. I am coming out of my winter and emerging in to spring where everything is new.

I am almost there. I have had a new vehicle and a new job, a renewed spirituality and a return to the hobbies that help me feel whole. Not only have I quit drinking but also have quit smoking and coffee as well. After the last year I want no traces of any addicting substances in my home (internet and video games excluded). As soon as I move I will have no more environmental triggers of the pain and the fear. I will be able to make another step forward in moving on.