Sunday, May 29, 2011
It's amazing how much things can change in so little time. A year ago I was escaping an abusive marriage. I was an empty shell of a person with no discernable direction. Of course that didn't really matter much since even if I had a plan I lacked the self confidence to even try to follow through.
I made a decision to take a stand for myself and my family and gained everything: a job, a safe place to live, a new relationship with my daughter. I regained spirituality and began to remember who I am. I reconnected with my family and friends and began to like who I was becoming. I gained a wonderful boyfriend that makes me smile and treats me with respect.
I feel as if I've taken a step backward since then. I have started procrastinating again. I am avoiding (our trying too avoid) uncomfortable things that have been coming up for me. I have been pretending that I am unaffected by my issues while doing whatever it takes to not feel the pain, fear and uncertainty that I've been feeling every day.
I have been lying about being vegan because I'm too ashamed to admit to some of my friends that not only did I give in to a craving and give in to laziness with cooking but that I've continued to eat animal products since then.
I have lied to the people I call my closest friends. Not because I want to deceive them, but because I'm afraid of their disappointment. I know they'll forgive me but I don't know how well I can forgive myself. Maybe that is why I continue to do it, because I am punishing myself and allowing my fear and selfishness to turn me into a martyr of sorts. This powerlessness gives me an easy excuse for acting out in other ways.
It's such a metaphor for where I am right now. I feel guilt and fear that I don't want to deal with and so I use it to punish myself and prove, at least to myself, that everyone was right and I'll always be the screw-up that they all knew, and told me, I was. God, when I see our written out I sound even more messed up than I didn't want to think I still was.
I still want to be worthy. I want to be worth it. I want to be a normal person. I feel so abnormal sometimes. I have so much more to go in my journey to being a healthy person. Why is it that I do this to myself over and over?
I do feel as if I got closer this time before my backslide. That's a good thing right?